John Talbott's Paris: Firmin, le Barbier - And Figaro gave it three hearts, no way, say it ain’t so Joe.

3.5 Firmin, le Barbier, 20, rue de Monttessuy in the 7th, 01.45.51.21.55, closed Monday and Tuesdays, lunch formulas at 18 and 23, a la carte 40-50 €, is a place Figaroscope listed first this week in their recs for Sunday lunch, so I was so looking to test it out for Colette’s next visit.

After digging into Figaroscope’s new website, {which, by the way I hate, after their most helpful pdf version, it’s back to 1956’s “Glitter and Be Gay,” which as you’ll remember Bernstein’s wonderful take on Candide intoned - “Here I am in Paris, France, Forced to bend my soul, To a sordid role} and finding it rated 3/5 hearts, unusual for those folks, I bent the souls of two food writer friends to go.

As you approach from the street on the Bon Acceuil side, it looks nothing like a resto, except for the chalkboard, but it certainly is when you enter. We three drifted in at different times, so I ordered a bottle of 17 € Les Baux Provencal red, which wasn’t half-bad.

It took forever for the order to be taken, an eternity for the dishes to arrive and an infinity for the check. Let’s just say that surgery may prepare you for cutting quickly before you have all the facts, but not to run an efficient resto - our patron-chirurgien (recall the sub-name of the place le Barbier) - turned into an obsessive psychiatrist somewhere along the way.

Since most of us were eating out tonight we tried to order conservatively. First, we shared a magnificent fricassee of mushrooms (which are now in full flight) and their level wiped out the long wait for them.

Then one of the experts had a big slice of rare gigot with potatoes that I thought was quite good (the lamb, that is) and Madame had the gigot medium cooked, with incredibly good veggies (asparagus, beans, broccoli and kohlrabi) while I tried the perch nicely browned on the skin but really not much of a much.

Madame then had (and we shared) an opera that was respectable. With a second bottle of wine (a Cotes du Rhone), 3 coffees and no bottled water the check worked out to 68 € for two.

So John, what’s wrong with this picture? Everything sounds fine if not great and reasonably priced?

Well I asked for votes from these grizzled experts, 0-10 being the scale, having written my number down so as not to cheat too much. Madame says 7, then 6, then 5, Monsieur a 5.5 and me a 3.5, averaging out 4.5. Then I ask the killer F. Simon question:

“Will you tell others to come/go?” He answered the equivalent of “if it were across the street maybe.” But in truth, no way.