How I know I’m not French, let me count the ways.

Today as I was sitting eating lunch at a restaurant that was 100% French (How do I know that? Easy, no one was fat) and a neighboring couple asked me if I’d watch their valuable C&A coats and H&M purses and sleezy newspapers, I realized that they thought I was French until I spoke, at which point they gave up hope that I wouldn’t stop eating mid-bite and run off with their stuff to Canal Street, but I said sure.

But it started me thinking. If they mistook me for a Frenchman, or at least a Francophone, or at minimum a Francophile, why couldn’t I pass universally? Well, here’s why:
1. I cannot stand the French national sporting passions – rugby, handball and whatever else they’re winning at each year.
2. I don’t “get” Serge Gainsbourg, Carla Bruni, Jane Birkin, Johnny and Abbe Pierre, their reigning idols, and even less Woody Allen, Sylvester Stallone and Mickey Rourke (although I do get Paul Auster).
3. I think French TV is on a level of American TV and certainly not the 8th art and am probably one of the few folk whose TV only gets Mezzo and Arte.
4. I cannot tie a scarf correctly, look cool in jeans and a black tee-shirt or “seem” French even if I buy my clothes at C&A or H&M.
5. I rarely wear my PSG (Paris St Germain scarf), favoring instead the shirts of Rinaldo, Kaka and Materazzi.
6. I don’t think misbehaving children are adorable and dogs who bark in restaurants are cute.
7. I queue, almost never flee a restaurant after taking a brief look at the menu or complain vociferously about the cookness of dishes.
8. I don’t like flatulence jokes or sounds on morning radio and never watch the Simpsons with or without translations.
9. I like Le Figaro and Le Monde not Le Parisien or Liberation (especially since they killed the culture and food coverage.)
10. I don’t grope my wife, well not much.
11. I take the Metro and buses not taxicabs.
12. I think strikes, bad weather conditions on roads and manifs are a pain in the neck not wonderful opportunities to smile at the evening news cameras and say nice things.
Plus I’m tall, gawky, geeky, clueless and speak like a Spanish cow.

These thoughts were indeed occasioned at a restaurant where I had a not uninteresting meal:

La Gare
19, Chaussee de la Muette in the 16th, (Metro: La Muette)
T: 01.42.15.15.31
Open 7/7
Weekday lunch formulas 19-24, others 33-38, a la carte 50-60€

Comments

[Princess Vankuver]

Mon dieu,I thought the French expected their children to behave well?
I may have to cancel my Paris vacation. Merde.

[martin]

well if french people are so mean i wander why you're still staying with such horible people

[A.O.]

Last but not least: do you love to hate "Le McDo"??

[John Talbott]

I do; forgot that.